Why am I here?

It's all in my head

There are days when I think my agoraphobia It's all in my head (I suffer from angoraphobia, as well, but that's because I'm allergic). However, last night, the POB and I were outside watching chicken cook on the Weber and he asked me if I had any big plans this weekend. I looked at him out of the corner of my eye and wanted to know why. "MM wants us to go out to the Lake." I didn't say anything. "MM and I thought we would get up early and go fishing, be done by 11 and the rest of the day is yours." Bribe. I remained silent. "I gotta get a hold of Norm or somebody, he has all my fishing shit." Finally, I was forced to talk. I opened my mouth and couldn't say anything. In the end, I just nodded. My heart started to beat fast, and my palms started to sweat as soon as he said, "Lake."

Are you mad at me, he wanted to know later. "No, but, honey, you can still go, but I'm not sure I can go to the Lake. I mean, it's FAR. And it's TWO DAYS. And it's like THREE DAYS AWAY." Normally, I can go FAR if Jeff goes, but we've never tried LONG.

"You can do it. Can't you just take some pills or something?" This was supportive, really. He's trying to push me, see, keep me from hiding out in the City. For 8 months, he had to do all the grocery shopping because I couldn't go to the grocery store even. And he never complained. I should do this for him, even if not for me.

Pills, schmills. I'm getting sweating just thinking about it now. My mind has been in overgear since he first brought it up--all the reasons I can't go. All the reasons why I shouldn't go. All the bad things that could happen if I do go.

Well, look at that. I have an appointment with the shrink on Thursday and actually have something to discuss other than how well I'm sleeping.

From: The National Weather Service

Current Temperature: 55 degrees F, with a predicted overnight low of 53.

Worse, there is no sun in sight through the rest of the week. Did I mention this sucks? It's fucking warmer in Minneapolis. Hell, it is actually warmer in Anchorage.